Quiz for Bright People

This is a quiz for people who know everything!

I found out in a hurry that I didn't. These are not trick questions.

There are only nine questions. They are straight questions with straight answers.

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward? 

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year.  What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters ' dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S.'

 _____________________________________________________ 

Answers To Quiz:

1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends:   Boxing.

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward:   Niagara Falls .   The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons: Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside:   Strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle?   It grew inside the bottle.   The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.

6. Three English words beginning with dw:   Dwarf, dwell and dwindle...

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar:   Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses. 

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh:   Lettuce.

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S':   Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts. 

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.

 

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

 

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,’ I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,’ Replied the patient.

 

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

 

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

 

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

 

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one? I asked. The patch, he replied ... The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it! I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

 

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

 

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered,' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

 

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

 

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . . So how's your breakfast this morning? Bob replied .... It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly, I can't seem to get used to the tast. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

 

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit

 

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a Tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, Which said, 'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.'

 

Submitted by RN no name

 

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing, further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said . . .. ' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .. ' No doctor but the song you were whistling was ... ' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'

 

Dr. Wouldn't submit his name....

 

9. A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied. 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, No wonder this baby is underweight, you don't have any milk.'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm  glad I came.

 

No Name submitted

Understanding Unemployment

Believe it  or not, this   gives you one of the best explanations of the current unemployment in the USA.

 

Stick with it for a few lines and it becomes clearer!!!

===================================

 

 

COSTELLO: I  want to talk about the unemployment rate in America .
 
ABBOTT: Good Subject.  Terrible Times. It's 7.8%.
 
COSTELLO:  That many people are out of work?
 
ABBOTT: No,  that's 14.7%. 
 
COSTELLO: You just said 7.8%.
 
ABBOTT:  7.8% Unemployed.
 
COSTELLO:  Right 7.8% out of work. 
 
ABBOTT: No, that's 14.7%.
 
COSTELLO:  Okay, so it's 14.7% unemployed.
 
ABBOTT: No, that's 7.8%. 
 
COSTELLO:  WAIT A MINUTE.  Is it 7.8% or 14.7%? 
 
ABBOTT: 7.8%  are unemployed. 14.7% are out of work. 
 
COSTELLO: If  you are out of work you are unemployed. 
 
ABBOTT: No,  Congress said you can't count the "Out of  Work" as the unemployed.  You have to look for work to be unemployed.
 
COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!! 
 
ABBOTT: No, you miss his point.
 
COSTELLO:   What point?
 
ABBOTT:  Someone who doesn't look for work can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair. 
 
COSTELLO: To whom?
 
ABBOTT: The unemployed. 
 
COSTELLO: But ALL of them are out of work. 
 
ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work gave up looking and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed. 
 
COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment roles that would count as less unemployment?
 
ABBOTT:  Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!
 
COSTELLO: The unemployment  just goes down because you don't look for work?
 
ABBOTT:   Absolutely it goes down. That's how it gets to 7.8%. Otherwise it would be 14.7%.

COSTELLO:  Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number? 

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO:   Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT:   Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if  you stop looking for a job?

ABBOTT:  Bingo. 

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to have people stop looking for  work.

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an Economist. 

COSTELLO: I  don't even know what the hell I just said! 

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like a Politician.

Knowledge is Power ...

'A SHOT OF WHISKEY' - In the old west a .45 cartridge for a six-gun cost 12 cents, so did a glass of whiskey. If a cowhand was low on cash he would often give the bartender a cartridge in exchange for a drink. This became known as a "shot" of whiskey. 

BUYING THE FARM - This is synonymous with dying. During WW1 soldiers were given life insurance policies worth $5,000. This was about the price of an average farm so if you died you "bought the farm" for your survivors. 

IRON CLAD CONTRACT - This came about from the ironclad ships of the Civil War. It meant something so strong it could not be broken. 

RIFF RAFF - The Mississippi River was the main way of traveling from north to south. Riverboats carried passengers and freight but they were expensive so most people used rafts. Everything had the right of way over rafts which were considered cheap. The steering oar on the rafts was called a "riff" and this transposed into riff-raff, meaning low class. 

COBWEB - The Old English word for “spider" was "cob". 

SHIP STATE ROOMS - Traveling by steamboat was considered the height of comfort. Passenger cabins on the boats were not numbered. Instead they were named after states. To this day cabins on ships are called staterooms. 

SLEEP TIGHT - Early beds were made with a wooden frame. Ropes were tied across the frame in a criss-cross pattern. A straw mattress was then put on top of the ropes. Over time the ropes stretched, causing the bed to sag. The owner would then tighten the ropes to get a better night’s sleep. 

SHOWBOAT - These were floating theaters built on a barge that was pushed by a steamboat. These played small town along the Mississippi River . Unlike the boat shown in the movie "Showboat" these did not have an engine. They were gaudy and attention grabbing which is why we say someone who is being the life of the party is “showboating". 

OVER A BARREL - In the days before CPR a drowning victim would be placed face down over a barrel and the barrel would be rolled back and forth in an effort to empty the lungs of water. It was rarely effective. If you are over a barrel you are in deep trouble. 

BARGE IN - Heavy freight was moved along the Mississippi in large barges pushed by steamboats. These were hard to control and would sometimes swing into piers or other boats. People would say they "barged in". 

HOGWASH - Steamboats carried both people and animals. Since pigs smelled so bad they would be washed before being put on board. The mud and other filth that was washed off was considered useless “hog wash". 

CURFEW - The word "curfew" comes from the French phrase "couvre-feu", which means "cover the fire". It was used to describe the time of blowing out all lamps and candles. It was later adopted into Middle English as “curfeu" which later became the modern "curfew". In the early American colonies homes had no real fireplaces so a fire was built in the center of the room. In order to make sure a fire did not get out of control during the night it was required that, by an agreed upon time, all fires would be covered with a clay pot called-a “curfew". 

BARRELS OF OIL - When the first oil wells were drilled they had made no provision for storing the liquid so they used water barrels. That is why, to this day, we speak of barrels of oil rather than gallons. 

HOT OFF THE PRESS - As the paper goes through the rotary printing press friction causes it to heat up. Therefore, if you grab the paper right off the press it’s hot. The expression means to get immediate information. 

There, don't you feel smarter now? 

And God Looked Down...

And God Looked Down ... 

Most seniors never get enough exercise. 
In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking ... And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. 
In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch ...  And God looked down and saw that it was good. 

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise ... God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's Gods will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older: 

#9- Death is the number one killer in the world. 

#8- Life is sexually transmitted. 

#7- Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 

#6- Men have 2 motivations:  Hunger and hanky panky ... and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5- Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

#4- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

#3- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#2- In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

#1- Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that  genius has its limits. "Albert Einstein" 


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The 'Bill of NON-Rights'

The following has been attributed to Lewis Napper, a Jackson, Mississippi computer programmer.

He didn't expect his essay -- a tart 10-point list of "rights" Americans don't have -- to become an Internet legend.

 'We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional.

 We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights.'

 

ARTICLE I:

 You do not  have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

 

ARTICLE II:

 You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of dummies, and probably always will be.  So live with it!!

 

ARTICLE III:

 You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful. Do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

 

ARTICLE IV:

  You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another  generation of professional couch potatoes. You have them, YOU support them !!

 

ARTICLE V:

  You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.  If you wish to abuse yourself with drugs and drink that's your right. However the rest of us are not going to take care of you any longer when it is killing your sorry ass !!

 

ARTICLE VI:

 You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you get the blue juice. As they say in Texas, "If you kill someone in Texas, partner we will just kill you right back!"

 

ARTICLE VII:

 You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a very small cell where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

 

ARTICLE VIII:

 You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful. If you decide not to, well citizen, STARVE! 

ARTICLE IX:

 You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are  unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were too stupid to understand the Bill of Rights.

 

ARTICLE X:

  This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you came from, English is our language. Learn it! Or go back to that crap hole of a country you came from!

 

   And lastly  ....

 

ARTICLE XI:

 You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all, with no fear of persecution. The phrase 'IN GOD WE TRUST' is part of our heritage and history, if you are uncomfortable with it. Tough shit!!

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Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims

Have you ever wondered why it's OK to make jokes about Catholics, the Pope, Jews, Christians, the Irish, the Italians, the Polish, the Chinese, the French  (including French Canadians), the elderly, bad golfers, men/women, blacks/whites, etc, but it's ”insensitive” to make jokes about Muslims? 

Time to level the playing field and be “politically correct” by including the Muslims! 

Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:


1. If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor ... You may be a Muslim.

2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes ... You may be a Muslim.

3. If you have more wives than teeth ... You may be a Muslim.

4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand but consider bacon to be unclean ... You may be a Muslim.

5. If you think vests come in two styles: Bullet-proof and suicide ... You may be a Muslim

6. If you can't think of anyone you haven't declared jihad against ... You may be a Muslim.

7. If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives in your clothing ... You may be a Muslim.

8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs ... You may be a Muslim.

9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four ... You may be a Muslim. 

 In America we strive to be jokingly 'offense' to everyone equally ... lol

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The Wisdom of Age

An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. 

He put a sign up outside that said: "Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

This is what transpired.

Dr. Young: --- "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth." can you please help me ??

Dr. Geezer: --- "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: --- Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see !!!!

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so -- " Here's your $1000 back."

Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..."

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."


Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old "Geezer "

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I miss Bill ...

I miss Bill ...

It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is good natured political humor from a show on Canadian TV, where a black comedian said he misses Bill Clinton. 

"Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between the Bushes.  Yep, that's right - I miss Bill!  He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President.  He played the sax.  He smoked weed.  He had his way with white women." 

"Even now. . . look at him.  His wife works and he doesn’t.  AND he gets a check from the government every month."

Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America’s shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations’ distinguished men.  It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton.  The DODGE DRAFTER will be built in Canada.

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, “I don't know, I never had one."

The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."  


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Random thoughts as we age ...

The biggest lie I tell myself is ..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks.

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap.

I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights".  I'm just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes" .

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people" ?

Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... that makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is Salad !!!
 

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The Mayonnaise Jar and two Beers

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers story.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. 

When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. 

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They all agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. 

He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into all the open areas between the golf balls. 

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They all agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. 

He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling every remaining empty space between the sand. The students laughed. 

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. 

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else---the small stuff. 'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.

The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

'Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. 

Visit with grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups. 

 Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. 

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.'

The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.'

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The Real Truths in Life

The Real Truths in Life
 
1.    A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.
 
2.    We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
 
3.    Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.
 
4.    Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
 
5.    Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
 
6.    I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit.  A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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A Little Girl's Prayers ...

A father put his 3-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock.

He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.

He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me.

This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

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DID YOU KNOW ....

1. YOUR SHOES ARE THE FIRST THING PEOPLE SUBCONSCIOUSLY NOTICE ABOUT YOU … WEAR NICE SHOES.

2. IF YOU SIT FOR  MORE THAN 11 HOURS A DAY, THERE'S A 50% CHANCE YOU'LL DIE WITHIN THE NEXT 3 YEARS.

3. THERE ARE AT LEAST 6 PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WHO LOOK EXACTLY LIKE YOU. THERE'S A 9% CHANCE THAT YOU'LL MEET ONE OF THEM IN YOUR LIFETIME.

4. SLEEPING WITHOUT A PILLOW REDUCES BACK PAIN AND KEEPS YOUR SPINE STRONGER.

5. A PERSON’S HEIGHT IS DETERMINED BY THEIR FATHER, AND THEIR WEIGHT IS DETERMINED BY THEIR MOTHER.

6. IF A PART OF YOUR BODY "FALLS ASLEEP",YOU CAN ALMOST ALWAYS "WAKE IT UP" BY SHAKING YOUR HEAD.

7. THERE ARE THREE THINGS THE HUMAN BRAIN CANNOT RESIST NOTICING -FOOD, ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE AND DANGER.

8. RIGHT-HANDED PEOPLE TEND TO CHEW FOOD ON THEIR RIGHT SIDE.

9. PUTTING DRY TEA BAGS IN GYM BAGS OR SMELLY SHOES WILL ABSORB THE UNPLEASANT ODOR.

10. ACCORDING TO ALBERT EINSTEIN, IF HONEY BEES WERE TO DISAPPEAR FROM EARTH, HUMANS WOULD BE DEAD WITHIN 4 YEARS.

11. THERE ARE SO MANY KINDS OF APPLES, THAT IF YOU ATE A NEW ONE EVERYDAY, IT WOULD TAKE OVER 20 YEARS TO TRY THEM ALL.

12. YOU CAN SURVIVE WITHOUT EATING FOR WEEKS, BUT YOU WILL ONLY LIVE 11 DAYS WITHOUT SLEEPING.

13. PEOPLE WHO LAUGH A LOT ARE HEALTHIER THAN THOSE WHO DON’T.

14. LAZINESS AND INACTIVITY KILLS JUST AS MANY PEOPLE AS  SMOKING.

15. A HUMAN BRAIN HAS A CAPACITY TO STORE 5 TIMES AS MUCH INFORMATION AS WIKIPEDIA.

16. OUR BRAIN USES THE SAME AMOUNT OF POWER AS A 10-WATT LIGHT BULB!!

17. OUR BODY GIVES ENOUGH HEAT IN 30 MINUTES TO BOIL 1.5 LITERS OF WATER!!

18. THE OVUM EGG IS THE LARGEST CELL AND THE SPERM IS THE SMALLEST CELL!!

19. STOMACH ACID (CONC. HCL) IS STRONG ENOUGH TO DISSOLVE RAZOR  BLADES!!

20. TAKE A 10-30 MINUTE WALK EVERY DAY & WHILE YOU WALK, SMILE. IT IS THE ULTIMATE ANTIDEPRESSANT.

21. SIT IN SILENCE FOR AT LEAST 10 MINUTES EACH DAY.

22. WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING, PRAY TO ASK GOD'S GUIDANCE FOR YOUR PURPOSE TODAY.

23. EAT MORE FOODS THAT GROW ON TREES AND PLANTS AND EAT LESS FOOD THAT IS MANUFACTURED IN PLANTS.

24. DRINK GREEN TEA AND PLENTY OF WATER. EAT BLUEBERRIES, BROCCOLI, AND ALMONDS.

25. TRY TO MAKE AT LEAST THREE PEOPLE SMILE EACH DAY.

26. DON'T WASTE YOUR PRECIOUS ENERGY ON GOSSIP, ENERGY VAMPIRES, ISSUES OF THE PAST, NEGATIVE THOUGHTS OR THINGS YOU CANNOT CONTROL. INSTEAD INVEST YOUR ENERGY IN THE POSITIVE PRESENT MOMENT.

27. EAT BREAKFAST LIKE A KING, LUNCH LIKE A PRINCE AND DINNER LIKE A COLLEGE KID WITH A MAXED OUT CHARGE CARD.

28. LIFE ISN'T FAIR, BUT IT'S STILL GOOD.

29. LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO WASTE TIME HATING ANYONE. FORGIVE THEM FOR EVERYTHING!

30. DON'T TAKE YOURSELF SO SERIOUSLY. NO ONE ELSE DOES.

31. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WIN EVERY ARGUMENT. AGREE TO DISAGREE.

32. MAKE PEACE WITH YOUR PAST SO IT WON'T SPOIL THE PRESENT.

33. DON'T COMPARE YOUR LIFE TO OTHERS. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEIR JOURNEY IS ALL ABOUT.

34. NO ONE IS IN CHARGE OF YOUR HAPPINESS EXCEPT YOU.

35. FRAME EVERY SO-CALLED DISASTER WITH THESE WORDS: 'IN FIVE YEARS, WILL THIS MATTER?'

36. HELP THE NEEDY! BE GENEROUS! BE A 'GIVER' NOT A 'TAKER'.

37. WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF YOU IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

38. TIME HEALS EVERYTHING.

39. HOWEVER GOOD OR BAD A SITUATION IS, IT WILL CHANGE.

40. YOUR JOB WON'T TAKE CARE OF YOU WHEN YOU ARE SICK. YOUR FRIENDS WILL ... STAY IN TOUCH.

41. ENVY IS A WASTE OF TIME. YOU ALREADY HAVE ALL YOU NEED.

42. EACH NIGHT BEFORE YOU GO TO BED, PRAY TO GOD AND BE THANKFUL FOR WHAT YOU'LL ACCOMPLISH, TODAY !

43. REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE TOO BLESSED TO BE STRESSED.

Great Timeless Truths

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a government.  John Adams

If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.   Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot.  And suppose you were a member of government. But then I repeat myself.   Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle..  Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.   George Bernard  Shaw

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.   Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.     P.J.  O'Rourke,  Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody  else.   Frederic  Bastiat,  French economist(1801-1850)

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.   Will  Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!    P.J..  O'Rourke

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.   Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!       Pericles (430  B.C.)

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.  Mark Twain   (1866)

Talk is cheap...except when government does it.    Anonymous

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.   Ronald  Reagan

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.  Mark Twain

There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save government.   Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.   Edward Langley,  Artist (1928-1995)

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.    Thomas Jefferson

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.  Aesop

Wife's Confession ...

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

 

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you.

 

It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.

 

Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away.

 

But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

 

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes ... Yes he did."

 

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected.

 

With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? ... Who was he? ... Who was the father?"

 

Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.  

 

Then, finally, she says: ... "You." 

Jenny Craig FOR MEN

I called the company and ordered their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss. 

 

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before me a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. 

 

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. 

 

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.' 

 

Without a second thought, I took off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, I finally gave up.

 

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

 

On the fifth day, I weighed myself and am delighted to find I lost 10 lbs. as promised. 

 

I  called the company and ordered their 5-day/20 pound program. 

 

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman I have ever seen in my life.

 

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

 

Well, I'm out the door after her like a shot.

 

This girl is in excellent shape and I do my best, but no such luck.

 

So for the next four days, the same routine happens and I'm gradually getting in better and better shape.

 

Much to my delight on the fifth day when I weigh myself, I discover that I have lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

 

So I decide to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

 

"Are  you sure?" asks the representative on. "This is our most rigorous program."

 

"Absolutely," I reply, "I haven't felt this good in years."

 

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when I open it find a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads ... "If I catch you,... you're mine."

 

I lost 63 pounds that week!

Old Italian Golfer

Silvio, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do you stay in such great physical condition?'

I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says Silvio, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'

"'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it.  How old was your Father when he died?'

'Who said my Father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says Silvio. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Nonno's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?"

TEN POINTS TO PONDER!

Number 10

Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 6

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 5

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 4

Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 3

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 2

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

 And the Number 1 thought ...

... as someone recently said to me: "Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last that long."