Knowledge is Power ...

'A SHOT OF WHISKEY' - In the old west a .45 cartridge for a six-gun cost 12 cents, so did a glass of whiskey. If a cowhand was low on cash he would often give the bartender a cartridge in exchange for a drink. This became known as a "shot" of whiskey. 

BUYING THE FARM - This is synonymous with dying. During WW1 soldiers were given life insurance policies worth $5,000. This was about the price of an average farm so if you died you "bought the farm" for your survivors. 

IRON CLAD CONTRACT - This came about from the ironclad ships of the Civil War. It meant something so strong it could not be broken. 

RIFF RAFF - The Mississippi River was the main way of traveling from north to south. Riverboats carried passengers and freight but they were expensive so most people used rafts. Everything had the right of way over rafts which were considered cheap. The steering oar on the rafts was called a "riff" and this transposed into riff-raff, meaning low class. 

COBWEB - The Old English word for “spider" was "cob". 

SHIP STATE ROOMS - Traveling by steamboat was considered the height of comfort. Passenger cabins on the boats were not numbered. Instead they were named after states. To this day cabins on ships are called staterooms. 

SLEEP TIGHT - Early beds were made with a wooden frame. Ropes were tied across the frame in a criss-cross pattern. A straw mattress was then put on top of the ropes. Over time the ropes stretched, causing the bed to sag. The owner would then tighten the ropes to get a better night’s sleep. 

SHOWBOAT - These were floating theaters built on a barge that was pushed by a steamboat. These played small town along the Mississippi River . Unlike the boat shown in the movie "Showboat" these did not have an engine. They were gaudy and attention grabbing which is why we say someone who is being the life of the party is “showboating". 

OVER A BARREL - In the days before CPR a drowning victim would be placed face down over a barrel and the barrel would be rolled back and forth in an effort to empty the lungs of water. It was rarely effective. If you are over a barrel you are in deep trouble. 

BARGE IN - Heavy freight was moved along the Mississippi in large barges pushed by steamboats. These were hard to control and would sometimes swing into piers or other boats. People would say they "barged in". 

HOGWASH - Steamboats carried both people and animals. Since pigs smelled so bad they would be washed before being put on board. The mud and other filth that was washed off was considered useless “hog wash". 

CURFEW - The word "curfew" comes from the French phrase "couvre-feu", which means "cover the fire". It was used to describe the time of blowing out all lamps and candles. It was later adopted into Middle English as “curfeu" which later became the modern "curfew". In the early American colonies homes had no real fireplaces so a fire was built in the center of the room. In order to make sure a fire did not get out of control during the night it was required that, by an agreed upon time, all fires would be covered with a clay pot called-a “curfew". 

BARRELS OF OIL - When the first oil wells were drilled they had made no provision for storing the liquid so they used water barrels. That is why, to this day, we speak of barrels of oil rather than gallons. 

HOT OFF THE PRESS - As the paper goes through the rotary printing press friction causes it to heat up. Therefore, if you grab the paper right off the press it’s hot. The expression means to get immediate information. 

There, don't you feel smarter now? 

And God Looked Down...

And God Looked Down ... 

Most seniors never get enough exercise. 
In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking ... And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. 
In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch ...  And God looked down and saw that it was good. 

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise ... God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's Gods will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older: 

#9- Death is the number one killer in the world. 

#8- Life is sexually transmitted. 

#7- Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 

#6- Men have 2 motivations:  Hunger and hanky panky ... and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5- Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

#4- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

#3- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#2- In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

#1- Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that  genius has its limits. "Albert Einstein" 


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The 'Bill of NON-Rights'

The following has been attributed to Lewis Napper, a Jackson, Mississippi computer programmer.

He didn't expect his essay -- a tart 10-point list of "rights" Americans don't have -- to become an Internet legend.

 'We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional.

 We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights.'

 

ARTICLE I:

 You do not  have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

 

ARTICLE II:

 You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of dummies, and probably always will be.  So live with it!!

 

ARTICLE III:

 You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful. Do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

 

ARTICLE IV:

  You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another  generation of professional couch potatoes. You have them, YOU support them !!

 

ARTICLE V:

  You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.  If you wish to abuse yourself with drugs and drink that's your right. However the rest of us are not going to take care of you any longer when it is killing your sorry ass !!

 

ARTICLE VI:

 You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you get the blue juice. As they say in Texas, "If you kill someone in Texas, partner we will just kill you right back!"

 

ARTICLE VII:

 You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a very small cell where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

 

ARTICLE VIII:

 You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful. If you decide not to, well citizen, STARVE! 

ARTICLE IX:

 You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are  unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were too stupid to understand the Bill of Rights.

 

ARTICLE X:

  This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you came from, English is our language. Learn it! Or go back to that crap hole of a country you came from!

 

   And lastly  ....

 

ARTICLE XI:

 You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all, with no fear of persecution. The phrase 'IN GOD WE TRUST' is part of our heritage and history, if you are uncomfortable with it. Tough shit!!

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Universal Laws

Law of Mechanical Repair  - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies

and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folks.

The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet!

Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

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Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims

Have you ever wondered why it's OK to make jokes about Catholics, the Pope, Jews, Christians, the Irish, the Italians, the Polish, the Chinese, the French  (including French Canadians), the elderly, bad golfers, men/women, blacks/whites, etc, but it's ”insensitive” to make jokes about Muslims? 

Time to level the playing field and be “politically correct” by including the Muslims! 

Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:


1. If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor ... You may be a Muslim.

2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes ... You may be a Muslim.

3. If you have more wives than teeth ... You may be a Muslim.

4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand but consider bacon to be unclean ... You may be a Muslim.

5. If you think vests come in two styles: Bullet-proof and suicide ... You may be a Muslim

6. If you can't think of anyone you haven't declared jihad against ... You may be a Muslim.

7. If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives in your clothing ... You may be a Muslim.

8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs ... You may be a Muslim.

9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four ... You may be a Muslim. 

 In America we strive to be jokingly 'offense' to everyone equally ... lol

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I miss Bill ...

I miss Bill ...

It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is good natured political humor from a show on Canadian TV, where a black comedian said he misses Bill Clinton. 

"Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between the Bushes.  Yep, that's right - I miss Bill!  He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President.  He played the sax.  He smoked weed.  He had his way with white women." 

"Even now. . . look at him.  His wife works and he doesn’t.  AND he gets a check from the government every month."

Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America’s shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations’ distinguished men.  It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton.  The DODGE DRAFTER will be built in Canada.

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, “I don't know, I never had one."

The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."  


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LETTERMAN'S TOP 10 REASONS TO VOTE DEMOCRAT

#10.  I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my German Shepherd.

#9.  I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon at 15% isn't.

#8.  I vote Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.

 

#7.  I vote Democrat because Freedom of Speech is fine as long as it is politically correct.

#6.  I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves.  I am also thankful that we have a 911 service that gets police to your home in order to identify your body after a home invasion.

#5.  I vote Democrat because I'm not concerned about millions of babies being aborted so long as we keep all death row inmates alive and comfy.

 

#4.  I vote Democrat because I think illegal aliens have a right to free health care, education, and Social Security benefits, and we should take away Social Security from those who paid into it.

#3. I vote Democrat because I believe that businesses should not be allowed to make profits for themselves.  They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as the Democrat Party sees fit.

 #2.  I vote Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.

... And, the #1 reason: I vote Democrat is because I think it's better to pay $billions$ for oil to people who hate us, but not drill our  own because it might upset some endangered beetle, gopher, or fish here in America .  We don't care about the beetles, gophers, or fish in those other countries.

 

 "The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits"... 

 Albert Einstein

 =======================

I know you all will appreciate this definition.  The best description of Obamacare so far: Remember when Nancy Pelosi said: "We have to pass it, to find out what's in it." A physician called into a radio show and said: "That's the definition of a stool sample."

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Random thoughts as we age ...

The biggest lie I tell myself is ..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks.

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap.

I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights".  I'm just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes" .

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people" ?

Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... that makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is Salad !!!
 

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Sex at 73 . . .

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 73. I'm so happy, because I live at number 71. So it's not too far to walk home afterwards. And it's the same side of the street. I don't even have to cross the road
~~~~
Answering machine message, "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
~~~~
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
~~~~~
The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~ 

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Puns for Educated Minds

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum  Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root  canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.  No pun in ten did.

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The Mayonnaise Jar and two Beers

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers story.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. 

When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. 

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They all agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. 

He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into all the open areas between the golf balls. 

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They all agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. 

He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling every remaining empty space between the sand. The students laughed. 

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. 

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else---the small stuff. 'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.

The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

'Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. 

Visit with grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups. 

 Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. 

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.'

The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.'

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A Little Girl's Prayers ...

A father put his 3-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock.

He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.

He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me.

This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

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Great Timeless Truths

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a government.  John Adams

If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.   Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot.  And suppose you were a member of government. But then I repeat myself.   Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle..  Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.   George Bernard  Shaw

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.   Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.     P.J.  O'Rourke,  Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody  else.   Frederic  Bastiat,  French economist(1801-1850)

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.   Will  Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!    P.J..  O'Rourke

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.   Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!       Pericles (430  B.C.)

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.  Mark Twain   (1866)

Talk is cheap...except when government does it.    Anonymous

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.   Ronald  Reagan

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.  Mark Twain

There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save government.   Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.   Edward Langley,  Artist (1928-1995)

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.    Thomas Jefferson

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.  Aesop

Wife's Confession ...

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

 

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you.

 

It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.

 

Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away.

 

But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

 

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes ... Yes he did."

 

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected.

 

With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? ... Who was he? ... Who was the father?"

 

Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.  

 

Then, finally, she says: ... "You." 

Norveegins ...

OUTHOUSE PROBLEMS
When Ole accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately threw in his watch and billfold. He explained, 'I'm not going down dere yust for 50 cents.'
-------------------------------------

THAT'S HER!
A Norwegian appeared with five other men in a rape case police line-up. As the victim entered the room, the Norwegian blurted, 'Yep, dat's her!'

--------------------------------

VE COULDN'T AFFORD MORE
Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in Canada and returned with only one fish. 'The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400' said the first Norwegian.

'Vell,' said the other one, 'At dat price it's a good ting ve didn't catch any more.'

 -------------------------------------

THE RELATIONS
Ole and Lena were getting on in years. Ole was 92 and Lena was 89. One evening they were sitting on the porch in their rockers and Ole reached over and patted Lena on her knee. ' Lena , vat ever happened tew our sex relations?' He asked.

'Vell, Ole, I yust don't know,' replied Lena . 'I don't tink ve even got a card from dem last Christmas.'
-------------------------------------

MUSIC SOLUTION

Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.

'Oh,' said Ole, 'I persvaded her to svitch to a clarinet.' 'How come?' asked Lars.

'Vell,' Ole answered, 'because vith a clarinet, she can't sing.
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THE PRANK CALL
The phone rings in the middle of the night when Ole and Lena are in bed and Ole answers. 'Vell how da hell should I know, dats two tousand miles from here' he says and hangs up.

'Who vas dat?' asks Lena .

'I donno, some fool wanting to know if da coast vas clear.'
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HONEYMOON TRIP

On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena 's knee. Giggling, Lena said, 'Ole, you can go farther than that if you vant to.

So Ole drove to Dulute.
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THE PARTY

Ole was arrested one night while walking bare naked down the streets of the little town of Alexandria , Minnesota . The policeman, who was a good friend of Ole's said,'Ole...What in the world are you doing? Where are your clothes? You're naked.'

'Yah, I know,' said Ole. 'You see, I vas over to dat 'playboy' Swen's for his birthday party. Dere vas about ten of us. Der vas boys and girls.'

'Is that right?', his policeman friend asked.

'Yah, Yah, anyvay, dat Swen, he says, 'Everybody get into the bedroom!  'So vee all go into the bedroom....where den he yells, 'Everybody git naked!' 'Vel, vee all got undressed. Den he yells, 'Everybody go to town!'

I guess I'm the first one here!