The 'Bill of NON-Rights'

The following has been attributed to Lewis Napper, a Jackson, Mississippi computer programmer.

He didn't expect his essay -- a tart 10-point list of "rights" Americans don't have -- to become an Internet legend.

 'We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional.

 We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights.'

 

ARTICLE I:

 You do not  have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

 

ARTICLE II:

 You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of dummies, and probably always will be.  So live with it!!

 

ARTICLE III:

 You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful. Do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

 

ARTICLE IV:

  You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another  generation of professional couch potatoes. You have them, YOU support them !!

 

ARTICLE V:

  You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.  If you wish to abuse yourself with drugs and drink that's your right. However the rest of us are not going to take care of you any longer when it is killing your sorry ass !!

 

ARTICLE VI:

 You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you get the blue juice. As they say in Texas, "If you kill someone in Texas, partner we will just kill you right back!"

 

ARTICLE VII:

 You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a very small cell where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

 

ARTICLE VIII:

 You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful. If you decide not to, well citizen, STARVE! 

ARTICLE IX:

 You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are  unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were too stupid to understand the Bill of Rights.

 

ARTICLE X:

  This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you came from, English is our language. Learn it! Or go back to that crap hole of a country you came from!

 

   And lastly  ....

 

ARTICLE XI:

 You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all, with no fear of persecution. The phrase 'IN GOD WE TRUST' is part of our heritage and history, if you are uncomfortable with it. Tough shit!!

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Universal Laws

Law of Mechanical Repair  - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies

and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folks.

The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet!

Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

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The Wisdom of Age

An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. 

He put a sign up outside that said: "Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

This is what transpired.

Dr. Young: --- "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth." can you please help me ??

Dr. Geezer: --- "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: --- Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see !!!!

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so -- " Here's your $1000 back."

Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..."

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."


Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old "Geezer "

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LETTERMAN'S TOP 10 REASONS TO VOTE DEMOCRAT

#10.  I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my German Shepherd.

#9.  I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon at 15% isn't.

#8.  I vote Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.

 

#7.  I vote Democrat because Freedom of Speech is fine as long as it is politically correct.

#6.  I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves.  I am also thankful that we have a 911 service that gets police to your home in order to identify your body after a home invasion.

#5.  I vote Democrat because I'm not concerned about millions of babies being aborted so long as we keep all death row inmates alive and comfy.

 

#4.  I vote Democrat because I think illegal aliens have a right to free health care, education, and Social Security benefits, and we should take away Social Security from those who paid into it.

#3. I vote Democrat because I believe that businesses should not be allowed to make profits for themselves.  They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as the Democrat Party sees fit.

 #2.  I vote Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.

... And, the #1 reason: I vote Democrat is because I think it's better to pay $billions$ for oil to people who hate us, but not drill our  own because it might upset some endangered beetle, gopher, or fish here in America .  We don't care about the beetles, gophers, or fish in those other countries.

 

 "The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits"... 

 Albert Einstein

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I know you all will appreciate this definition.  The best description of Obamacare so far: Remember when Nancy Pelosi said: "We have to pass it, to find out what's in it." A physician called into a radio show and said: "That's the definition of a stool sample."

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Sarcasm for the day ...

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.

4. Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

6. I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan?

10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.



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