And God Looked Down...

And God Looked Down ... 

Most seniors never get enough exercise. 
In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking ... And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. 
In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch ...  And God looked down and saw that it was good. 

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise ... God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's Gods will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older: 

#9- Death is the number one killer in the world. 

#8- Life is sexually transmitted. 

#7- Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 

#6- Men have 2 motivations:  Hunger and hanky panky ... and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5- Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

#4- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

#3- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#2- In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

#1- Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

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"The difference between genius and stupidity is that  genius has its limits. "Albert Einstein" 


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The 'Bill of NON-Rights'

The following has been attributed to Lewis Napper, a Jackson, Mississippi computer programmer.

He didn't expect his essay -- a tart 10-point list of "rights" Americans don't have -- to become an Internet legend.

 'We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional.

 We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights.'

 

ARTICLE I:

 You do not  have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

 

ARTICLE II:

 You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of dummies, and probably always will be.  So live with it!!

 

ARTICLE III:

 You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful. Do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

 

ARTICLE IV:

  You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another  generation of professional couch potatoes. You have them, YOU support them !!

 

ARTICLE V:

  You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.  If you wish to abuse yourself with drugs and drink that's your right. However the rest of us are not going to take care of you any longer when it is killing your sorry ass !!

 

ARTICLE VI:

 You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you get the blue juice. As they say in Texas, "If you kill someone in Texas, partner we will just kill you right back!"

 

ARTICLE VII:

 You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a very small cell where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

 

ARTICLE VIII:

 You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful. If you decide not to, well citizen, STARVE! 

ARTICLE IX:

 You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are  unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were too stupid to understand the Bill of Rights.

 

ARTICLE X:

  This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you came from, English is our language. Learn it! Or go back to that crap hole of a country you came from!

 

   And lastly  ....

 

ARTICLE XI:

 You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all, with no fear of persecution. The phrase 'IN GOD WE TRUST' is part of our heritage and history, if you are uncomfortable with it. Tough shit!!

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Universal Laws

Law of Mechanical Repair  - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies

and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folks.

The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet!

Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

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Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims

Have you ever wondered why it's OK to make jokes about Catholics, the Pope, Jews, Christians, the Irish, the Italians, the Polish, the Chinese, the French  (including French Canadians), the elderly, bad golfers, men/women, blacks/whites, etc, but it's ”insensitive” to make jokes about Muslims? 

Time to level the playing field and be “politically correct” by including the Muslims! 

Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:


1. If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor ... You may be a Muslim.

2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes ... You may be a Muslim.

3. If you have more wives than teeth ... You may be a Muslim.

4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand but consider bacon to be unclean ... You may be a Muslim.

5. If you think vests come in two styles: Bullet-proof and suicide ... You may be a Muslim

6. If you can't think of anyone you haven't declared jihad against ... You may be a Muslim.

7. If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives in your clothing ... You may be a Muslim.

8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs ... You may be a Muslim.

9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four ... You may be a Muslim. 

 In America we strive to be jokingly 'offense' to everyone equally ... lol

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The Wisdom of Age

An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. 

He put a sign up outside that said: "Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

This is what transpired.

Dr. Young: --- "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth." can you please help me ??

Dr. Geezer: --- "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: --- Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see !!!!

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so -- " Here's your $1000 back."

Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..."

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."


Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old "Geezer "

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I miss Bill ...

I miss Bill ...

It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is good natured political humor from a show on Canadian TV, where a black comedian said he misses Bill Clinton. 

"Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between the Bushes.  Yep, that's right - I miss Bill!  He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President.  He played the sax.  He smoked weed.  He had his way with white women." 

"Even now. . . look at him.  His wife works and he doesn’t.  AND he gets a check from the government every month."

Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America’s shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations’ distinguished men.  It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton.  The DODGE DRAFTER will be built in Canada.

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, “I don't know, I never had one."

The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."  


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LETTERMAN'S TOP 10 REASONS TO VOTE DEMOCRAT

#10.  I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my German Shepherd.

#9.  I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon at 15% isn't.

#8.  I vote Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.

 

#7.  I vote Democrat because Freedom of Speech is fine as long as it is politically correct.

#6.  I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves.  I am also thankful that we have a 911 service that gets police to your home in order to identify your body after a home invasion.

#5.  I vote Democrat because I'm not concerned about millions of babies being aborted so long as we keep all death row inmates alive and comfy.

 

#4.  I vote Democrat because I think illegal aliens have a right to free health care, education, and Social Security benefits, and we should take away Social Security from those who paid into it.

#3. I vote Democrat because I believe that businesses should not be allowed to make profits for themselves.  They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as the Democrat Party sees fit.

 #2.  I vote Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.

... And, the #1 reason: I vote Democrat is because I think it's better to pay $billions$ for oil to people who hate us, but not drill our  own because it might upset some endangered beetle, gopher, or fish here in America .  We don't care about the beetles, gophers, or fish in those other countries.

 

 "The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits"... 

 Albert Einstein

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I know you all will appreciate this definition.  The best description of Obamacare so far: Remember when Nancy Pelosi said: "We have to pass it, to find out what's in it." A physician called into a radio show and said: "That's the definition of a stool sample."

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Sex at 73 . . .

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 73. I'm so happy, because I live at number 71. So it's not too far to walk home afterwards. And it's the same side of the street. I don't even have to cross the road
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Answering machine message, "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
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My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine
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Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
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Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
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The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.
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God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
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I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
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Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
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The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
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Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~ 

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Puns for Educated Minds

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum  Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root  canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.  No pun in ten did.

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Sarcasm for the day ...

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.

4. Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

6. I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan?

10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.



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