1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'My wife's going to have her
baby in the cab.' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were
several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,’ I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,’ Replied the
patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of
the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of
his medications. Which one? I asked. The patch, he replied ... The Nurse told me
to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the
man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of
the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How
long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered,'
Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while
checking up on a man I asked . . . So how's your breakfast this morning? Bob
replied .... It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly, I can't seem to get
used to the tast. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet
labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and
wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient
had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was
completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it
there was a Tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, Which said, 'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite
embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had
unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom
I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing, further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said . . .. ' I'm sorry. Was I tickling
you?' She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . .
.. ' No doctor but the song you were whistling was ... ' I wish I was an Oscar
Meyer Wiener.'
Dr. Wouldn't submit his name....
9. A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for
the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and
being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied. 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a
while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get
dressed, the doctor said, No wonder this baby is underweight, you don't have any
milk.'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.
No Name submitted
