Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims

Have you ever wondered why it's OK to make jokes about Catholics, the Pope, Jews, Christians, the Irish, the Italians, the Polish, the Chinese, the French  (including French Canadians), the elderly, bad golfers, men/women, blacks/whites, etc, but it's ”insensitive” to make jokes about Muslims? 

Time to level the playing field and be “politically correct” by including the Muslims! 

Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:


1. If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor ... You may be a Muslim.

2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes ... You may be a Muslim.

3. If you have more wives than teeth ... You may be a Muslim.

4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand but consider bacon to be unclean ... You may be a Muslim.

5. If you think vests come in two styles: Bullet-proof and suicide ... You may be a Muslim

6. If you can't think of anyone you haven't declared jihad against ... You may be a Muslim.

7. If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives in your clothing ... You may be a Muslim.

8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs ... You may be a Muslim.

9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four ... You may be a Muslim. 

 In America we strive to be jokingly 'offense' to everyone equally ... lol

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I miss Bill ...

I miss Bill ...

It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is good natured political humor from a show on Canadian TV, where a black comedian said he misses Bill Clinton. 

"Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between the Bushes.  Yep, that's right - I miss Bill!  He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President.  He played the sax.  He smoked weed.  He had his way with white women." 

"Even now. . . look at him.  His wife works and he doesn’t.  AND he gets a check from the government every month."

Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America’s shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations’ distinguished men.  It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton.  The DODGE DRAFTER will be built in Canada.

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, “I don't know, I never had one."

The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."  


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Sex at 73 . . .

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 73. I'm so happy, because I live at number 71. So it's not too far to walk home afterwards. And it's the same side of the street. I don't even have to cross the road
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Answering machine message, "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
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My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine
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Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
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Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
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The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.
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God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
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I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
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Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
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The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
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Aspire to inspire before you expire.
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The Train of Life.

At birth we board a train and meet our parents. 

We believe they will always travel by our side. 

However, at some station, our parents will step down from the train, leaving us on this journey alone. 

As time goes by, other people will board the train, and they will be significant - siblings, friends, the love of your life, children, and many others. 

Some will step down and leave a permanent vacuum. Others will go so unnoticed that we won't realize they vacated their seats. 

The train ride will be full of joy, sorrow, fantasy, expectations, hellos, good-byes, and farewells. A successful ride requires having a good relationship with all passengers. We must give the best of ourselves. 

The mystery to everyone is, we do not know at which station we ourselves will step down. So, we must live in the best way, love, forgive, and offer the best of who we are. It is important to do this because when the time comes for us to step down and leave our seat empty we should leave behind beautiful memories for those who will continue to travel on the train of life. 

I wish you a joyful journey on the train of life. Reap success and give lots of love. More importantly, thank God for the journey. 

Be sure to thank those who are passengers on your train ... before the next station arrives. 



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Words of Wisdom for Men

Your Father probably told you a few things, but just in case he wasn't around enough, here are some words of wisdom you might have missed out on:

1. Go for women you perceive to be “out of your league.” You’ll surprise yourself.

2. Never have sex with anyone that doesn’t want it as much as you.

3. Never hit anyone unless they are an immediate threat.

4. Every hat should serve a purpose.

5. Never take her to the movies on the first date.

6. Learn to wet shave.

7. Nothing looks more badass that a well-tailored suit.

8. Shave with the grain on the first go-around.

9. Always look a person in the eye when you talk to them.

10. Buy a plunger before you need a plunger.

11. Exercise makes you happy. Run, lift and play sports.

12. Brush your teeth before you put on your tie.

13. A small amount of your paycheck should go directly to your savings account every month.

14. Call your parents every week.

15. Never wear a clip-on tie.

16. Give a firm handshake.

17. Compliment her shoes.

18. Never leave a pint unfinished.

19. If you aren't confident, fake it. It will come.

20. You can tell the size of a man by the size of the things that bother him.

21. Be conscious of your body language.

22. The only reason to ever point a gun at someone is if you intend to shoot them.

23. Always stand to shake someone’s hand.

24. Never lend anything you can’t afford to lose.

25. Ask more than you answer. Everybody likes to talk about themselves.

26. Keep a change of clothes at the office.

27. Buy high quality tools, so you only have to buy them once.

28. Manliness is not only being able to take care of yourself, but others as well.

29. Go with the decision that will make for a good story.

30. When you walk, look straight ahead, not at your feet.

31. Nice guys don't finish last. Boring guys do.

32. Find your passion and figure out how to get paid for it.

33. Don't let the little head do the thinking for the big head.

34. No matter their job or status in life, everyone deserves your respect.

35. The most important thing you can learn is personal responsibility. Bad things happen, it’s your job to overcome them. 

36. The first one to get angry loses.

37. Do what need to be done without complaining. It won't help you speed things up.

38. Never stop learning.

39. always go out into public dressed like you're about to meet the love of your life.

40. Don’t change yourself just to make someone happy, unless that someone is you.

41. If you’re the smartest person in the room, you’re in the wrong room.

42. Luck favors the prepared.

43. Women find confidence sexy as hell.

44. Do whatever you want to do in the life, but be the best at it.

45. No one is on their deathbed wishing they spent more time at work. Enjoy your LIFE, you just get ONE.

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The Real Truths in Life

The Real Truths in Life
 
1.    A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.
 
2.    We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
 
3.    Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.
 
4.    Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
 
5.    Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
 
6.    I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit.  A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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Wife's Confession ...

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

 

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you.

 

It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.

 

Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away.

 

But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

 

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes ... Yes he did."

 

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected.

 

With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? ... Who was he? ... Who was the father?"

 

Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.  

 

Then, finally, she says: ... "You." 

Cats ....

Source: Email contribution

I've never understood why women love cats. 

Cats are independent ...

They don't listen ...

They don't come in when you call ...

They like to stay out all night ...

... and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words ... 

Every quality that women hate in a man ... they love in a cat.