Wife's Confession ...

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

 

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you.

 

It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.

 

Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away.

 

But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

 

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes ... Yes he did."

 

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected.

 

With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? ... Who was he? ... Who was the father?"

 

Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.  

 

Then, finally, she says: ... "You." 

Jenny Craig FOR MEN

I called the company and ordered their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss. 

 

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before me a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. 

 

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. 

 

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.' 

 

Without a second thought, I took off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, I finally gave up.

 

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

 

On the fifth day, I weighed myself and am delighted to find I lost 10 lbs. as promised. 

 

I  called the company and ordered their 5-day/20 pound program. 

 

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman I have ever seen in my life.

 

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

 

Well, I'm out the door after her like a shot.

 

This girl is in excellent shape and I do my best, but no such luck.

 

So for the next four days, the same routine happens and I'm gradually getting in better and better shape.

 

Much to my delight on the fifth day when I weigh myself, I discover that I have lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

 

So I decide to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

 

"Are  you sure?" asks the representative on. "This is our most rigorous program."

 

"Absolutely," I reply, "I haven't felt this good in years."

 

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when I open it find a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads ... "If I catch you,... you're mine."

 

I lost 63 pounds that week!

Old Italian Golfer

Silvio, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do you stay in such great physical condition?'

I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says Silvio, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'

"'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it.  How old was your Father when he died?'

'Who said my Father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says Silvio. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Nonno's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?"