Stopped by the police around 2 a.m ...

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. 

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." 

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" 

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

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The Importance of Walking ...

Walking can add minutes to your life ...  this enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $4,000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60 ... now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.

I like long walks ... especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 250 bucks ... haven't lost a pound ... apparently you have to go there!

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' ... I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs ... but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say ... 'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing ... start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years ... just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older ... because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a pub with a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends ... but just e-mail it to them! It will save you the walk! 

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Pecans In The Cemetery

Pecans In The Cemetery
Source: internet

 On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy.

Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

 Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.

As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.

He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, One for me...'

 He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

 'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'
The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.'

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

 Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, One for me.'

 The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord... Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me.

That's all.. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.... They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.


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